The Ultimate Guide To UK Festival Season, By Clara Amfo

Music festivals have become a pretty big part of British culture over the last few decades. Every year more and more crop up, and it’s become just as much of a tradition to attend a festival each year as it is to go on holiday. Whether it’s T in the Park, Bestival, Secret Garden Party, or Boomtown that’s your festival of choice, chances are you’ve been to one or are getting geared up to go to one this season.

So we thought who better to talk to about a survival guide than Clara Amfo, the face of the BBC’s Glastonbury coverage this year? The radio and TV presenter is currently best known for introducing us to the best in UK music during Radio 1’s Live Lounge every weekday. But she’s set to be everywhere this summer, thanks in large part to her leading Glastonbury’s festival coverage on the BBC, as well as covering Radio 1’s Big Weekend for the broadcaster.

So BuzzFeed invited her to our London office just as the 2017 festival season kicked off to ask everything we needed to know: from what to pack to tips on surviving and the best areas and shows to head to.

  • Wet wipes
  • Phone charger
  • Shorts over trousers
  • Take hand sanitiser
  • Bring a light waterproof

My top tips for surviving festivals are:

– Always pack wet wipes. Wet wipes are your friend. They help you when it comes to spillage with food, with drink, with mud… you want to just get that off of you. So always pack wet wipes, in bulk!

– I would also say for festivals: charge up! It’s all well and good having a fully charged phone but what you really need is one of those external battery things. So make sure you have at least two of those on you. I know that’s what I’m going to be doing!

I do advocate for wearing shorts over trousers to festivals, just because the weather is unpredictable, and if it rains you can just get dry quickly or wipe down your legs. And if it’s sunny, legs out and enjoy the sun on your skin.

Hand sanitiser. I’m a germ-phobe. So when it comes to festivals I need a hand sanitiser at all times. Hand sanitiser and antibacterial wipes are my best friends. Hopefully they’ll be yours, too.

– Make sure you pack a lightweight waterproof jacket, something that is easy to take on and off. If it rains, you’re good, you’re protected and if it doesn’t rain you can just have it around your waist and you’re sorted.

  • Screenshot your festival guide app.
  • Be green and recycle. Bring your own bags. Leave no trace.
  • Get cash out before you go.
  • Bring a cheap pair of sunglasses – you’ll probably lose them.
  • DON’T FORGET YOUR TICKET!

– When it comes to festivals, we all know that mobile phone signal can be a bit [rubbish]. So I like to take screenshots of everything I want to keep on looking at during the festival. So if I’ve used an app and I’ve got all my set times all ordered, I will take a picture of that on my phone, so whatever happens, if you’re trying to get on the app, I’ve got what I need to do there quickly for me to check on my phone.

– I hate to litter. It’s just a pet hate of mine, I hate people that litter. I’m the type of person that will give someone side-eye if I see them leaving a can of drink on the seat on a train. No honestly, I really do. So I would say, if you’re going to festivals this year, try to be as green as possible. Maybe just take a big old rubbish bag that you can just put everything in that you use in your tent. Whether it’s your beer cans, your drink bottles, your sweet wrappers, your food wrappers, whatever. Just make sure you have all that and don’t leave anything lying around your tent. It’s not cute. It’s not clever.

– I know it sounds obvious, but don’t forget your ticket! Because there is nothing worse than travelling somewhere for a very, very long time and realising you can’t. get. in. So make sure you leave your ticket by your bedside table before you leave the house or where your keys are, just so you know you absolutely are not going to forget it.

– My other festival tip is always get your cash before you go to the festival, just because the queues for cash points can sometimes be really long. You don’t want to have to stop your fun in between a performance and have to go out of site and back in. So always pack your cash before you go.

– Also, sunglasses! Bring a couple of pairs of cheap sunglasses because the chances are you’ll probably lose at least one!

Glastonbury – obviously there is so much to do, so much to see. The Pyramid Stage, you know you’re going to get all your main artists there but I always think it’s worth venturing out and not just sticking around there. Silver Hayes is always fun. Shangri-La – the elusive Shangri-La where you hear about all types of things. I think the rule is what happens in Shangri-La stays in Shangri-La, but it’s something to behold. And the Circus Area. Now, besides music there’s lots of cool things you can do at Glastonbury and I actually got to hang out at the Circus Area last year – which, I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t on my ‘oh my god I’ve got to do this’ list. But once I got there I had the best time ever. And I got to learn how to trapeze, which was really fun – scary, but fun.

Songs I know I’ll be listening to loads this summer are Rex Orange County, “Sunflower”, which I just love. The new Arcade Fire tune, “Everything Now”, it’s just joyous, upbeat, kind of disco vibe, which I really enjoy. This kid called Steve Lacy, who is part of The Internet, he’s got a song called “Dark Red” which I haven’t stopped listening to. I’m obsessed with his whole EP. The new SZA album, Ctrl, is just a delight to my ears; she has written feels that I need. There’s a song on there called “Prom” which I really like.

  • Hunter wellies
  • Bobbi Brown concealer, to hide a multitude of sins
  • Shea butter for all your moisturising needs
  • Ka-Brow by Benefit
  • Carmex lip balm

So when it comes to looking, you know, somewhat decent at festivals, my things are I always have to have a brow on and I’ve always got to make sure my lips are well moisturised. I like a strong brow. So I go for this thing called Ka-Brow by Benefit. It’s nice and small in a little pot – you can stick it in your coat pocket. Easy. Get the brows on.

I like a well moisturised lip. I’m obsessed with Carmex. They’ve got this one with a little berry tint in which is good, as you can give a nice red lip and protect your precious gob from unpredictable weather conditions! And also concealer. Concealer hides a lot of sins. So Bobbi Brown concealer. And if all else fails a pair of sunglasses will fix everything. And I also like to be well moisturised. I’m a shea butter advocate, with a bit of vanilla oil in a travel-sized pot.

Answer Some Questions And We'll Tell You Which Alternative Singer You Are

Answer Some Questions And We’ll Tell You Which Alternative Singer You Are

You got: Brendon Urie from Panic! At The Disco

You are incredibly extroverted and excitable. You love to be the center of attention, but also have a serious side and know when to stop.

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You got: Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy

No matter how hard you try to be cool, your friends always seem to think you’re adorable.

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You got: Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance

You have a bit of a wild side. Nothing can stop you if you’re passionate about something. You are very loyal to your friends and are always true to yourself.

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You got: Tyler Joseph from Twenty One Pilots

You may seem quite shy, but you are very smart and interesting. You have a few, close friends and like to write and create.

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You got: Halsey

You are a very honest person who is never afraid to express their feelings. You love exploring the city, hanging out with your friends, and your style is on point.

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You got: Melanie Martinez

You can seem over-emotional at times, but you have an inner strength and confidence that keeps you going. You have a very personal style and like to try new things and meet new people.

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You got: Lana Del Rey

There’s no doubt you’re one tough cookie, but you definitely have a softer side. You like to enjoy the finer things in life, and don’t mind stealing the spotlight once in a while.

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You got: Alex Gaskarth from All Time Low

You are the joker out of your friend group and love to have a lot of fun. You always see the positive side of things and encourage those who need it.

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You got: Alex Turner from Arctic Monkeys

You have a big heart and this shows through the things you are passionate about. You have a tight group of friends and have strong feelings towards your hometown.

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You got: Matthew Healy from The 1975

You have a great personal style which shows in everything you create.

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You got: Hayley Williams from Paramore

You are bubbly, funny, and kind. You’re generally a really fun person to be around.

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You got: Chris Martin from Coldplay

You are kind of the kid-next-door so you sometimes get overlooked, but you have a very positive outlook on life.

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Build A Music Library And We'll Tell You Your Passion

Your Taste In Music Will Reveal Your Inner Passion

You got: Creating

You’ve got an incredibly creative mind, which means you’re always looking for opportunities to make your ideas a reality. You have a wild imagination, and it sometimes feels as though no one quite understands your ~vision~ because you have such a unique way of thinking. Your one weakness is that you find it difficult to accept criticism, particularly if it’s regarding your work, because it takes so much courage for you to share it in the first place.

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You got: Exploring

You love being spontaneous and doing things that most people would be way too scared to attempt. Whether it’s trying something out of your comfort zone or journeying to somewhere completely new, you’re always up for expanding your horizons. Your active nature means you’re never dull to be around, but the downside is that you can get bored quite easily, and need to be mentally stimulated in order to feel fulfilled.

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You got: Helping others

You’re a naturally empathetic person who enjoys caring for others and lending your hand where you can. You’re the backbone of your friendship group – people come to you when they need support and guidance, and your intuitive, reasoned nature means you’re perfectly equipped to help. You wear your heart on your sleeve and would rarely do anything to intentionally hurt someone, but your weakness is that you can sometimes give too much to others and completely forget about yourself.

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You got: Learning

You enjoy trying new things and becoming well-versed in a wealth of different activities in order to expand your mind and diversify your experiences. Learning doesn’t necessarily mean traditional education, your passion for learning is also evident in your love of deep conversations with both friends and strangers, and hearing other people’s points of view. You like to keep an open mind about things, and your least favourite people are those who judge. The only downside is that you can sometimes be a sponge for other people’s problems, and it can take a toll on your mood.

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You got: Achieving success

Whatever you do in life, your aim is always to be the best. Some may take your drive for ruthlessness, but that’s simply your competitive nature, which is nothing to be ashamed about. You’re always looking for new challenges in order to fulfil your potential, and you take great satisfaction in pushing yourself and achieving the seemingly impossible. Sometimes you beat yourself up for not achieving your goals, but that’s only because you often set them too high.

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You got: Connecting with other people

You thrive around others and dislike spending too much time alone. You love meeting new people and establishing new friendships, and you work hard to maintain those. In fact, you’re extra proud of those friendships you’ve preserved for years. Your energy is largely influenced by other people’s, so you like to be in a positive environment, but the downside is if those same people are negative, it can sap your energy leaving you feeling emotionally exhausted.

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Miley Cyrus Talks About The Reason Behind Her Decision To Quit Drugs

“I haven’t smoked weed in three weeks, which is the longest I’ve ever [gone without it]. I’m not doing drugs, I’m not drinking, I’m completely clean right now!” she told the magazine. “I like to surround myself with people that make me want to get better, more evolved, open. And I was noticing, it’s not the people that are stoned. I want to be super clear and sharp, because I know exactly where I want to be.”

To Modernize The Grammys, The Recording Academy Will Try Online Voting

For years, the Grammy Awards — and the Recording Academy that doles them out — have been accused of having a cultural tin ear. Those who win trophies, critics say, often don’t reflect the vibrance and diversity of the modern music community as a whole. For next year’s ceremony, the Academy is trying a novel technical fix as a part of its efforts to redress that critique — online voting.

Until now, Grammy nominations and winners have been decided by counting returned paper ballots sent out each fall to the Academy’s 13,000 eligible voting members. Many would-be voters aren’t included in those counts, either because they didn’t submit their ballots in time or, in some cases, because they never received them — a fair possibility for touring musicians who spend much of the year with no fixed address. (The Academy doesn’t disclose voter participation rates, which it says are closely guarded by its accounting firm, Deloitte.)

In addition to bringing the nominations process into the 21st century, the Academy hopes online voting will increase turnout and lead to award outcomes that more closely mirror the will of its constituents — particularly younger members who are accustomed to doing everything via the internet.

“We hope that our nominations will better represent the entire community of music makers, especially if there’s a particular segment that we’ve been missing,” Bill Freimuth, the Recording Academy’s vice president of awards, told BuzzFeed News. “There may be certain genres within our awards categories where the demographic that tends to participate in making that particular music might be more tech savvy in general, or might have more of a mobile lifestyle than certain other genres, and we think this might appeal to those folks.”

Freimuth said Deloitte will take rigorous security precautions to ensure that bad actors aren’t able to game the online system and vote more than once, or in more categories than they are allowed. He also touted new interactive elements that will allow voters to listen to nominated songs right from the ballot screen. In the past, critics have charged that many voters may not be familiar with all of the songs nominated in a given category and simply choose the most recognizable name by default.

“We want people to be voting based on the quality of the music, not how many times they’ve streamed it or heard it on the radio,” Freimuth said.

Bigger questions of how to reform the Grammys are not likely to be answered with technology alone. During this year’s show in February, many music fans cried foul after Beyoncé lost the top prize, Album of the Year, to Adele, fueling longstanding allegations of institutional bias against newer forms of music in general, and black ones specifically. Adele herself, a lifelong Beyoncé fan, memorably joined the protests, wondering aloud in a press conference immediately following the ceremony “What the fuck does Beyoncé have to do to win Album of the Year?”

Similar complaints rang out in 2016, when Taylor Swift’s1989 beat out Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp a Butterfly. And at this year’s awards, a handful of music’s biggest stars, including Drake, Kanye West, Frank Ocean, and Justin Bieber, were conspicuously absent.

“The youth — artists like Travis Scott, Future, Migos — they want nothing to do with the Grammy process because they feel like it’s old and outdated,” Shawn Holiday, a voting member of the Recording Academy and senior vice president of A&R at Sony/ATV music publishing and Columbia Records, told BuzzFeed News. Holiday said that he saw the move to online voting as a positive step toward engaging a younger demographic, but that he thinks the Academy “hasn’t yet scratched the surface” in its efforts to keep up with contemporary culture.

“I don’t think the Grammys are always in touch with the people who are really close to the culture and touching the music,” he said. “And I can say that because I’m in those committees and I see the people that they bring.”

Conversations on how to further modernize the awards, including long-discussed limits on membership terms that would phase out voters who no longer actively work in music, are ongoing, Freimuth said.

“If a lot of really great artists and producers and engineers and songwriters in the world are choosing not to participate, then our awards are gonna reflect that,” he said. “We’re doing everything we can to make the process as seamless and as fair and have as much integrity as possible.”

Ariana Grande Will Be The First To Receive Honorary Citizenship Of Manchester Under This New Scheme

Sir Richard Leese, leader of Manchester City Council, said many people already consider Ariana to be “an honorary Mancunian”.

“This seems a fitting moment to update the way we recognise those who make noteworthy contributions to the life and success of our city,” he told the BBC of the proposed new system. “We’ve all had cause to be incredibly proud of Manchester and the resilient and compassionate way in which the city, and all those associated with it, have responded to the terrible events of 22 May – with love and courage rather than hatred and fear. [Ariana Grande has] exemplified this response.”

SZA’s 'Ctrl' Is A Black Girl's Tumblr Come To Life

SZA’s Ctrl is a black girl’s Tumblr come to melodic, vibrant life.

SZA, who is 26 years old and grew up in New Jersey, is speaking in a specific vernacular that will be familiar to black women who spend chunks of their time in certain corners of the internet. It is apparent right from the opening song, “Supermodel,” which begins with a recording of the singer’s mother speaking on the grand theme of the record (“That is my greatest fear. That if, if I lost control or did not have control, things would just, you know. I would be be…fatal”). It’s not that the lyrics come in the form of some impenetrable fancy language, necessarily — it is standard (African-)American English, after all — it is the attitude with which she throws out the lyrics that catches the ear, and then makes the words linger on the mind.

When she plaintively sings “Why can’t I stay alone just by myself / wish I was comfortable just with myself” on that opener, for example, you can almost taste the minimalist Tumblr theme; if you close your eyes you can picture an ironic Blingee lighting up on a loop behind your eyelids. Ctrl is covering much of the ground that fills my own dashboard up every single day, the hundreds of posts that essentially boil down to a quest for self-determination — self-determination in a world that seems hell-bent on pushing us into predesignated roles and situations. And that is expressed in pithy but heartfelt text posts about black girl magic in all its forms, mood boards and videos of hair and fashion inspiration, and the men and women we fancy and love, alongside photo sets and GIF sets of nostalgia-nourished TV shows and age-relevant quotes about life and love and self-care. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that SZA was for a good long time an active Tumblr user (I have followed her on there for years). Even now, via her million-follower Instagram, her preferred platform these days, SZA is still doing much of what her Tumblr used to do (minus the direct contact afforded by her Ask box). Last month she posted a screenshot of a Tumblr post about awkward flirting with the caption: “who dragged me like this?”

SZA’s reputation has been building for years via a couple of well-received EPs, See.SZA.Run and S, and her first studio album Z. In 2013, she signed with indie label Top Dawg Entertainment, the home of Kendrick Lamar and the rest of the Black Hippy crew — the first woman to do so. Three years later, she appeared on and co-wrote Rihanna’s opening Anti track, “Consideration.” Collaborating with the likes of Jill Scott and Chance the Rapper, she’s been making atmospheric, lush, and moody R&B that is as much throwback as it is forward-looking, and it is a combination that has made listeners consider her a safe pair of hands (3.9 million monthly listeners on Spotify is no small feat, after all) — the evidence of which lies in her label’s ease with releasing Ctrl in the same week as Katy Perry’s latest.

Music like SZA’s found its first home on Black Girl Tumblr. Or, at the very least, gained loyal followings there. Artists like SZA, H.E.R., Jennah Bell, Jhené Aiko, and so on were the much-cherished discoveries of like-minded girls and young women who were also yearning for their own reflection to come back undistorted. And so perhaps it is inevitable and fitting that listening to SZA’s Ctrl often feels like reading a series of all lowercase, punctuation-free Tumblr text posts. Those posts are often telling a version of the truth, comically bemused but with an arched eyebrow. SZA is earnest, yes, but that doesn’t mean her eyebrow isn’t raised throughout Ctrl.

You can almost hear that eyebrow creak upward on “Garden (Say It Like Dat)” in which she sings engagingly about self-doubt and anxiety: “Lie to me and say / my booty gettin’ bigger even if it ain’t” is a funny, relatable lyric. And even before she expands it into something more plainly stated, it carries undertones of a little sort of sadness. The latter half of this second-verse lyric, for example, is tongue in cheek and on the nose: “I know you’d rather be laid up with a big booty / body hella positive ‘cause she got a big booty” (her ad-lib — an incredulous “wow” — is pitch-perfect). But then the emotion pinballs quickly again with the quiet admission that comes by verse’s end: “You know I’m sensitive ‘bout havin’ no booty / havin’ no body / only you, buddy / can you / hold me when nobody’s around us?”

In many ways SZA is singing about the things we have come to expect from our indie-slash-folksy white female singer-songwriters, but what Ctrl is delivering comes as experienced and reported through a firmly black girl lens. Like another young musician who has developed an ardent following, British singer-songwriter Nao, SZA makes pop that’s sincere — almost painfully so — but she is also playful and smart and funny. Even when she is not in control (of her gravity, of her ex, of the size of her booty), she’s still “finding herself” while remaining refreshingly self-aware — she knows who she is and roughly where she wants to end up. I thought a lot about Nao’s For All We Know while listening to Ctrl and had a clear thought: Where Nao’s constructions sound something akin to black girl church, SZA sounds like the aftermath of a black girl night out (one in which you might have found yourself crying in the club). It perfectly encapsulates that keyed-up post-club, pre-sleep 3 a.m. feeling when feelings are close to the surface.

There is also a firmness in SZA’s persona on this record, best exemplified by her grandmother’s short, spirited interlude at the end “Love Galore”, addressing SZA by her given name, Solána Imani Rowe: “But see, Solána? If you don’t say something, speak up for yourself, they think you stupid. You know what I’m saying?” It’s a nod and a wink to the listener. SZA knows who’s listening, and who that message is for. Another noteworthy and matter-of-fact exemplification comes straight out the gate on “Doves in the Wind”: “Real niggas do not deserve pussy.” Which is self-explanatory.

On “The Weekend,” a soon-to-be sidepiece classic, SZA is funny: “My man is my man is your man / heard it’s her man too,” she coos dismissively before telling her paramour to make sure he’s at her place “by 10:30 / no later than / drop them drawers / give me what I want.” And on “Drew Barrymore” (a geniusly titled song, effortlessly conjuring as it does images of ’90s teen rom-coms and coded norms of suburban insecurity and acceptance), she is sharp: “I’m sorry you got karma comin’ to you.” When she sings wistfully about the titular character from 1994 film Forrest Gump (first in cinemas when she was 4), SZA’s being cute but also serious — imagine a world in which pussy was given to only deserving men! “Where’s Forrest now when you need him?” she intones almost solemnly on “Doves in the Wind.” “Talk to me.”

The dip into the ’90s oeuvre of Robert Zemeckis notwithstanding, Ctrl is very much of the now. Even with its dizzying array of producers, the entire record sounds cohesively and fluently like 2017: Peep the references to Netflix show Narcos (which also got a shoutout on Stormzy’s 2017 LP Gang Signs and Prayer) or the aforementioned “body positive” (a term whose overuse has given it an unearned negative reputation on Tumblr and beyond). On “Normal Girl,” SZA borrows liberally from Drake’s 2016 single “Controlla” (“You like it / when I be / aggressive”). Even the nostalgic TV Ctrl harks back to is curiously very current again: that period in the ’90s that young people have rediscovered and which they quote liberally from, thanks to streaming. SZA refers to comedy sketch show MadTV on “Doves in the Wind,” and on “Go Gina” she uses one of Martin Lawrence’s catchphrases from his sitcom Martin.

Ctrl is a mishmash of so many influences, which will continue to reveal themselves as it beds in with listeners. Its pop DNA is evident in its many catchy hooks and choruses (“Prom” sounds like a 2017 update of Gwen Stefani’s “Cool,” for example), and her guest stars — Kendrick Lamar, Travis Scott, James Fauntleroy, Isaiah Rashad — add weight but are never overwhelming. SZA has an ear for what is aurally pleasing and commercial: Upon my third listen to the record, I was struck by how happily pretty much every song would sit on the soundtrack of a teen show (won’t someone invite her to score a black girl coming-of-age movie, please?).

What sells the record best, though, is SZA’s own conviction. Like the black girls who live their multi-adjectived lives on Tumblr, she is the best chronicler of her own life. It’s an expansion of self-identity that stretches beyond Strong Black Woman (which is not entirely discarded as one facet) and travels into the territory we have always known was in us. SZA’s music is vulnerable and sweet, self-questioning and self-affirming, all at the same time, in a way that is performative, yes — but also intimate and tender. It is a snapshot of one 26-year-old’s life right now, much like all those Tumblrs are moments in amber. Ctrl feels “Dear Diary” real, which is to say it is Black Girl Tumblr writ large. Control, in all avenues, is the defining characteristic, and it is powerful. “I belong to nobody / hope it don’t bother you / you can mind your business / I belong to nobody” SZA sings on “Go Gina.”

Listening to Ctrl, you don’t doubt it.

Which Boy Band Stereotype Are You?

You got: The Heartthrob

You’re the unofficial face of the band. You love to be the center of attention in interviews, but you’re pretty low-key and don’t like to create controversy or drama. You’ll probably have a good solo career.

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You got: The Bad Boy

You’re the one who keeps the band in the news with your crazy antics and new tattoos. You’d like to be mysterious and brooding, but you’re a little too outgoing for that.

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You got: The Boy Next Door

You’re shy, quiet, and adorable. People think you’re a little nerdy, and you’re okay with that. You’re very committed to keeping the band together because your friends are like family to you.

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You got: The Artsy One

You’re known for being ~sensitive~ and ~deep~. You probably write a lot of the band’s lyrics. You’re focused on the music, not the image. You like to be known as the talent, but you don’t like to be in the spotlight. You’re ambitious, but will always stay loyal to the band.

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You got: The Goofball

You don’t take yourself, or anyone, too seriously. You’re here to have a good time, not please the critics. You play pranks on your bandmates and have no problem getting pranked in return. Some people think you’re not as important, but your energy is actually vital to creating a personality for the band.

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15 Festival Horror Stories That Will Make You Want To Never Leave The House

1.

The golden triangle:

“At Download 2005 there were three biker looking guys stood in a circle urinating into each others mouths, somehow all at the same time.”

emmaluigim

2.

The riot:

“I was at this bluegrass festival, a low key kinda local festival, and things got violent over some political shit. Luckily everyone was drunk and couldn’t see their own hand in front of their face. As I dragged my drunk friends home I saw some guy mercilessly beating up a shrub and screeching absolute nonsense.”

fnchdarcy

3.

The double explosion:

“At Reading 2016, a guy had left the door open to his portaloo and when I opened it to go in he was gripping the sides of the stall and had wedged his ass in the toilet seat, exploding from both ends. I stood in his vomit and couldn’t bring myself to wear those shoes for the rest of the weekend.”

sophiecrowe99

4.

The loose hose:

“Went to Benicàssim in 2008. One day at the campsite, as the porta-loos got emptied my the trucks, a hose came loose and a girl got absolutely covered in a horrific mixture of piss and shit.”

jamesl474b5862e

5.

The litter picker:

“I worked as a litter picker at the Isle of Wight festival for a few years, and every year we were surprised at just how many shits in carrier bags or sandwich bags there were. My friend who was doing her first year went to pick up something and screamed. ‘That’s not a sausage!’ she shrieked.”

scotth94

6.

The windmill:

“I was standing in a queue for food with my mum at Leeds Fest. Turned around to see some guy relieving himself while windmilling his penis. It definitely put me off eating.”

– ellakt

7.

The turdbuster:

“My mate decided it was a really good idea to wear an overall-type Ghostbusters costume to V Festival and try use the toilets. Ten minutes later when he re-dressed and came out he was covered from the shoulders down in other people’s shit that the costume had acquired while around his ankles.”

oliverphilipbrierley

8.

The takeaway:

“Seen a girl take a shit in a noodle box at Download festival.”

melisab43426acc9

9.

The toilet break:

“I was watching Stereophonics at T in the Park one year and having the time of my life. This group of girls were dancing about in front of me and one of them declares that she has to pee and it cannot wait. She then proceeds to pull down her shorts and did her business right in front of us. I have never seen so many people back away from someone in my life. It was rank.”

– rebeccad4b53c03f6

10.

The crowd surfers:

“I was about 13 or 14 at a festival to see one of my favourite bands. I was really excited to make my way to the front and being so short meant that most of the crowd surfers went straight over my head unnoticed… Until I smelt the strong stench of beer and realised a crowd surfer had vomited all over me.”

lisaj4f051ee7e

11.

The sleeping bag:

“I climbed into my sleeping bag only to discover that someone had done the deed in it and forgot their condom.”

– zanderniemand17

12.

The afternoon drink:

“Back in 2009 I went to Exit festival in Serbia. We were sat in a bar area at 3pm in the afternoon and a random guy stands up on a step, gets his knob out and continues to perfectly aim his piss into his mouth, swallowing some and then spitting the rest side to his side. He then just casually walks away.”

zahrar4b811d82a

13.

The brown wedding:

“At Bloodstock a few years ago, we camped next to a group called Camp Catastrophe – can’t remember if that’s just what we called them or if that’s what they called themselves. Nice bunch of kids but a bit wild. One of them had brought along a wedding dress, which someone shat on.”

rochefoucauld

14.

The muddy path:

“Went to Rock Fest in Canada a few years ago and the worst thing I saw there was a row of porta-potties and behind them was a dumpster. Guys were peeing there and it created a muddy path and someone ran though it and fell in the urine/mud.”

douknowurenemy

15.

The tower:

“At Phoenix Festival in ’96, the porta-loos were piled high over the toilet seats with shit. People had just been shitting on each other’s shit, not bothering to try and flush, and it must have easily been several inches over the height of the seat. Felt so sorry for whoever had to try and deal with that horror show.”

garetho2

Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.