I Watched “The Bachelor” Australia Premiere And Yelled At My TV A Lot

The Bachelor Australia is back! With the most, er, ~unique~ Bachelor yet: the Honey Badger. To say I’m not convinced by this casting is a bit of an understatement, but, like Diet Coke and scrolling through Twitter until 2am every night, The Bachelor is something I just can’t seem to quit. Here are some of the thoughts I had while watching the premiere…

1. Ugh I can’t believe I’m being subjected to SPORTING HIGHLIGHTS on The Bachelor. This should be a safe space.


2. “I’m the flamin’ bachelor!” Keep it.


3. Where is the shirtless montage that culminates in the Bachie staring thoughtfully at the ocean? I feel ripped off.


4. “The Honey Badger…” Is he…is he speaking about himself in the third person?


5. Drink every time he says “fair dinkum”. 


6. (Don’t do that. Your liver will not cope.)


7. “I’m pretty well shitting my dacks.” Shannon is perfect for the Honey Badger.


8. “Jeez, you scrub up alright.” And they say romance is dead.


9. Did he just say “you’ve gotta get the chassis moving”?!?!?


10. “I’m a bit of a weirdo…I skate.” Yeah that’s super weird, my gal.


11. Oooh Brooke totally has the winners music playing! 


12. “I’ve got a pair of balls.” Omg Brooke. 


13. I love that she has no idea who the Honey Badger is, even though she’s into footy. 


14. And she’s teaching HIM how to play! I AM LIVING FOR THIS.


15. She’s too good for him tbh.

16. “I am here…for the buffet.” Brittany is a girl after my own heart.


17. “Maybe you can be my 50th (country).” That…doesn’t make any sense.


18. Cayla getting the ~kooky~ music. To be fair, she is very ~kooky~. 


19. Aaand Cat’s getting the villain music! Hello, I am ready for some drama.


20. Ooh we’re getting into the unimportant montage girls now.

21. “I can’t believe I know who this guy is.” I mean he’s literally a celebrity, Cass.


22. “We know each other pretty well” *whispers* they’ve fucked.


23. At least he remembers her name.


24. More montage girls!


25. WHY IS THAT GIRL NOT WEARING SHOES NOOOO.


26. “And the BANTER!” *cut to very bland dialogue that does not remotely resemble banter*


27. If he says “chew the fat” one more time i s2g.


28. Oh hello, Dasha getting the SEXY SEXY SEX music. 


29. No wonder, with THAT MOVE she just pulled on him.


30. I am actually speechless rn.

31. “NOT thrilled.” Same, Vanessa Sunshine. Same.


32. “I’ll just give him a makeover.” PLEASE, PLEASE DO.


33. Did he just get distracted by her boobs? Hmmmmmm.


34. Say Vanessa Sunshine again.


35. “This is The Bachelor, not ‘Make New Girlfriends’.” Um but can that be a show please? 10/10 would watch, would apply.


36. Cat: “I don’t want to create drama.” Me: surejan.jpg.


37. Cass has zero chill. 


38. I hate to break it to you sweetie, but being born in the same town does not mean you’re meant to be together. See: your entire dating history, I’m sure, seeing as you are now single and on this show.


39. I’d be more excited to see Osher than the Honey Badger, too.


40. Is that the key to the Honey Badger’s chastity belt?


41. Oh no, just his Bachelor Pad. 


42. An all access pass, to be used at ANY TIME! Am I watching American Bachelor all of a sudden?


43. “He looks like a cute little cauliflower.” Oh.


44. GO ALEKSANDRA! YOU HAVE HAD NO SCREENTIME BUT I GOT YOU IN THE OFFICE SWEEP! I WANT THAT 50 BUCKS.

45. Cat: “Will you come over with me?” Alisha: “ABSOLUTELY. I want front row seats.”


46. Can someone tell Cat that a) it’s totally okay that she was dating your ex, seeing as he’s YOUR EX and all; and b) you’re literally in a competition for one guy right now so you should probably calm your farm on the jealousy front. 


47. “I have no idea who you are.” Yep, that’s EXACTLY the kind of thing you’d say to a Regular Person Who You Definitely Don’t Recognise As Being Famous.


48. “Let’s go for a fang…let’s have a yarn.” I hate this.


49. I see Alisha is our self-designated commentator.


50. That was a terrible joke, Brooke, but I love you anyway.


51. I am smiling at this interaction with Brooke, VERY MUCH against my will because ugh the Honey Badger. 


52. Cass told the universe she wanted the Honey Badger and here she is, terrifying him in front of the entire nation. 


53. Some producer 1000% just told Kayla it was a genius move to jump in the pool, and is quietly cackling off camera.


54. The fact the Honey Badger has singled out Brooke, and given her a rose and the key to his ~pad~, shows he has SOME taste I suppose.


55. Cass: “I’m fine!” Narrator: She was not fine.


56. “I mean I didn’t leave my life for nothing.” Vanessa Sunshine is like if Laurina and Keira had a baby. 


57. Wait who even left?! Did I blink and miss it or did they not even bother to show it?


58. Ugggh I am still not convinced AT ALL of the Honey Badger as the Bachelor but FINE I’LL KEEP WATCHING I GUESS.

I Rewatched “Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants” As An Adult And It's Truly Magical

8. Did Tibby just casually drop a Laverne DeFazio reference in their conversation about clothes? Yup, DEF a kid I went to film school with.

9. Ew, why is Tibby just putting random jewelry in her mouth? That’s how you get infections.

10. “I don’t wear jeans.” Um, what? OK, Lena.

11. Upon rewatch, it’s so obvs that these are four different pairs of jeans.

12. “You think that a pair of jeans that fits all of you is gonna fit all of this?” I’ve never related to Carmen more.

13. “We’ll help your thighs get into them, don’t worry about it.” Wow, OK, Tibs.

14. It IS scientifically impossible for one pair of jeans to fit the four of y’all perfectly, Lena. But, plot, so, whatever.

15. They’re too cool for ~regular~ sleepovers. They have sleepovers in abandoned prenatal aerobic studios.

16. They’ll be apart this summer, but the pants will keep them together!! Love this sister bond. BECHDEL TEST, HELLO!

17. I also don’t wash my jeans, Carmen, so I don’t think having this as one of the rules for the pants is that weird.

18. Omg, they’re going to document the adventures they had over the summer on the pants. These jeans are gonna be so ~fly~.

19. “Pants equal love. Love your sisters and love yourself.” I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.

I Rewatched “Jawbreaker” As An Adult And Had A Lot Of Thoughts

Recently I’ve been rewatching the movies I was obsessed with as a pre-teen and teen. I LOVED Jawbreaker at the time, but have put off revisiting it because I was very worried it might not have have stood the test of time. This week, I finally bit the bullet (or, er, jawbreaker). Here’s how the experience of rewatching it went down…

1. It’s starting with Judy Greer’s voiceover. This is honestly her greatest role.

2. This hallway walk is iconic. THOSE OUTFITS!

3. They named that character Liz Purr just so Judy Greer could purrrrr through this voiceover, right?!

4. “She is gonna die!” I see what you did there.

5. This movie made me want to get a polaroid camera.

6. Oh god, remember how huge hoop earrings were? On multiple levels.

7. I bought a “foxy” necklace from Kmart because of this movie. I thought I was so cool.

8. This is such a great opening.

9. The colour palette and the soundtrack and the editing really take this movie to the next level.

10. The credits sequence, with the jawbreakers and the photo collages, is perfect.

11. Why is Julie not absolutely sobbing right now though? Like her best friend is dead?!?!

12. “You know what this means?” “You’re a shoe-in for prom queen?” Hahahahaha amazing.

13. “You are going to walk into that school and strut your shit down the hallway like everything is peachy fucking keen.” How do I still know this movie off by heart.

14. Ugh their outfits are freaking incredible.

15. Do girls actually dress like this in American high schools?!

16. Omg I never realised before that Carol Kane is the teacher.

17. Is it even a teen movie without a ~kooky~ teacher?

18. To be fair I had many ~kooky~ teachers in high school, actually.

19. That jock guy is gross.

20. Oh man I wanted Julie’s sunglasses so badly.

21. I just had a vivid flashback of quoting “maybe she was practising if you know what I mean” and doing that BJ gesture with my friends. I think we only understood, like, 40% of what it actually meant.

22. This movie was the first time I’d ever heard the word “kink” in a sexual context.

23. “Elizabeth Purr, the very picture of teenage perfection, obliterated by perversion.” This script is great.

24. Is it wrong that I’m cackling at them carrying Liz’s body around?

25. Won’t, like, their hair and fingerprints be all over her body though?

26. Ngl, I was such a Fern in high school.

27. Oooh a pretty flower with the creepy bug inside. How symbolic.

28. Fern was definitely in love with Liz, huh.

29. “I killed Liz, I killed the teen dream, deal with it!” I just tried to look so closely at her hand on the card, to see how she managed to accidentally record that, and it’s totally impossible. *cough*

30. The tension of Fern slowly making her way towards the room is done very well.

31. But, like, the girls knew she was headed to Liz’s house. Why didn’t one of them, you know, act as a lookout?

32. Rose McGowan seems like she’s having so much fun as Courtney. She’s brilliant in this role.

33. Blair Wardorf has got nothing on Courtney Shayne.

34. “She’s dead Fern. She died.” Courtney really DGAF.

35. I love this fairy tale-esque sequence as Fern transforms into Vylette.

36. Side note: I named one of my neopets Vylette after this movie.

37. Fern looks SO different. I am very into her pretty outfit.

38. What kind of parents were away for their daughter’s birthday?

39. Why didn’t they close the door behind them?

40. That anorexia joke ain’t funny.

41. “Never send a rose unless dyed black as a warning.” I took this so seriously as a teen.

42. “Pay attention to details. Look at my nails. In junior high, I wore only pink. Now it makes me puke. So I changed. Rearranged. See? It’s called Demented. No, seriously, the colour’s called Demented.” I don’t know why, but this is the line I used to quote the most? I still think about it on the rare occasions I bother to paint my nails.

43. That guy kind of came from nowhere.

44. Oh my god Julie writing her phone number on his hand is giving me flashbacks.

45. “Time doesn’t erase things, people erases things.” Deep.

46. Remember when you had to put people on hold if you got another call?!

47. Remember actually speaking to people on the phone?!

48. I definitely studied this “big stick” scene. For, um, reasons.

49. I remember asking my friend what she meant by “don’t come”. Like, “did she not want him to follow her?!?!” Bless.

50. This scene where Julie is walking down the hallway and everyone is frozen around her is excellent.

51. Obsessed with Vylette’s all-pink wardrobe.

52. This guy has no discernible personality. He does have a cool car though.

53. Fern’s obsession with Liz’s freckles is borderline creepy.

54. Courtney’s style is so amazing.

55. Oh shit I forgot Marilyn Manson was in this.

56. Uggggh I’m so uncomfortable.

57. Ooft Vylette is such a bitch now.

58. “Sports and drama – it’s like plaids and stripes, they don’t mix.” Oh, so this is where all those “jock torn up because he secretly loves theatre” character struggles come from.

59. This guy just…gave Vylette a car? For one makeup sesh? Okay.

60. HOLY OMG Julie’s yellow glasses! What a time.

61. “Do you know how girls sometimes kidnap their girlfriends on their birthdays?” Ummmmm. No?

62. Oh shit she’s telling Zac everything.

63. Why is Courtney so mad right now? Just because Vylette’s getting more attention?

64. I am here for Vylette standing up to her.

65. Did Courtney slam her against that mirror hard enough to break the glass?!

66. That detective didn’t reveal enough information for Julie to so easily put all this together tbh.

67. YAS GO JULIE. TAKE COURTNEY DOWN.

68. “Some poor nameless son of a bitch thought he was getting lucky.” I meaaaaan he was also a creepy grown-ass adult getting it on with a teenager soooo…

69. THE DONNAS! OMG!

70. Courtney’s prom look is ICONIC.

71. I also remember loving Fern and Julie’s prom looks.

72. Ah, it just isn’t a ‘90s movie without some homophobia.

73. “Eat shit.” Amazing.

74. This scene of Courtney moving through the crowd and getting pelted is so damn good.

75. Rose McGowan’s finest work, honestly.

76. Did Courtney ever actually get arrested?! This will haunt me now.

77. This movie held up A LOT better than I thought it would. It was so much fun.

I Watched “Mulan II” For The First Time And It Wasn't As Bad As Everyone Says

Hilarious: I am a sucker for corny jokes. So whenever Ling tried to get Ting Ting to laugh, I was rollin’. I would go see a Ling stand-up for sure.

Touching: Despite Mushu being an annoying character, the moment when he said that he would give up his pedestal for her not to have to go through with the marriage was so beautiful. I got a little choked up there.

Irritating: Now that I gave Mushu a little bit of credit, I have to take it away. He was the most annoying character hands down. Trying to break up Mulan and Shang for a pedestal was uncalled for and rude. I was over it before it started.